on the road day 1
Two years ago, my husband Doug and I agreed to open our marriage to polyamory, the ethical non monogamous practice of being in more than one love relationship at a time. My lifelong best friend Christopher had recently separated from his wife for the second time in ten years, and it was clear this time it was going to stick. When the dust settled, I was there for him.
“If I asked you to be my boyfriend, would you want to?”
Silence on the phone. And then, “Yes.”
Thus began our venture into poly, me with a husband and a boyfriend, and Doug with the intention of finding a girlfriend to balance the scales. Christopher wanted to move to Little Rock eventually, but first he would have to sell his house, which meant fixing it up, which meant a lot of time and work. So we thought, in a year or two, he’d make it out here.
Two years ago, I started planning our first Family Vacation. It would be 100% dedicated to my autistic son’s overriding passion for astronomy. Before introducing the idea of more partners into the picture, I wanted him to have a solid experience with just the three of us, to reassure his sense of love and place as an important member of the family. I spent weeks, maybe even months, charting out the roadtrip. I knew the Mecca for the trip needed to be the Meteor Crater, a place I had visited twice growing up, and which meant the world to me as I imagined the possibility of becoming an astronaut. And the Meteor Crater and the Grand Canyon are only two hours apart, so it would be silly to drive all that way for one and not also visit the other.
With the end goal in mind, I researched far and wide for attractions that would be geared toward my son Jack. Science centers, planetariums, and aerospace museums swirled in my thoughts. I started mapping. Five hours from our house was the Science Museum Oklahoma, a huge kid center with a special dome theater. About half the place was dedicated to Space, the rest to other science topics. And of the two movies showing in the dome, one was of course a space film. The course was set piece at a time, through internet research and phone calls, until every detail was in place. I hung the finished plan on the bulletin board in the dining room, and I slowly cultivated excitement in Doug and Jack for the trip. My childhood had been comprised of countless such trips, and I wanted to share that with both of them, my family.
One year ago, we were supposed to make the trip. But for a number of reasons–none of which I can recall now–we gently asked Jack if it would be okay to postpone until the following summer. It was probably money problems, the health of family members, or some combination. In any case Jack agreed, and I took the trip of the board and took it back to the honing process.
At some point I completed an even better version of the trip. More fun stops. More ideas on how to save along the way. Instead of returning it to the board, this time I put it in a fancy purple folder, and set it aside in an upstairs room that didn’t see a lot of traffic, for safe-keeping.
Six months ago, Adan moved from Colorado to leave behind an oppressive family tie and start fresh. Through mutual friends, Doug and Adan met and started dating, first just Doug, and then both Doug and I. At some point in our relationship, Adan came out to us. Adan was born female, but identifies as genderqueer, and prefers neutral pronouns. Adan is also not their birth name but their chosen name. Doug and I took this in stride and switched from referring to Adan as our girlfriend to calling Adan our theyfriend. When Adan’s living situation became uncertain, we offered Adan a bedroom at our house. It’s a huge old house from the ‘30s in the Central High neighborhood, and it’s already full of roommates. I’m an extrovert, and I love gathering friends in one place.
Adan moved in, and while they searched for a new job – they’d been working on base with an airforce family – they were super helpful to Doug and I watching Jack during the day. We all grew to know one another fairly well, and while we haven’t sat Jack down for The Talk about polyamory, he’s a smart kid, and he’s likely drawn his own conclusions. He knows that we all exchange I love yous and we trade off who sleeps where. He hasn’t really asked, and I’m trying to defer to Doug’s comfort level on when to tell Jack – and thus, everyone – since he’s the one with extended family in the area.
At some point we realized that Adan would be coming on the trip with us. I mulled it over and felt good about the inclusion. Jack would need to come to accept Adan and Christopher each in completely different ways, and in different timing. I had hoped to coincide the trip with my travel writing class, but I had a PTO deficet, and had to build it back up. Some fancy math later, We figured out when I would have enough PTO to take the trip, and further determined that if we departed on a Thursday we would have 12 days travel time using only 7 days PTO. Thursday Friday PTO, weekend, week PTO, weekend, and I could take Monday off and work Saturday instead. At this point we were really raring to go.
It got down to the last shopping trip to get swimsuits. The last grocery trip to get sandwich supplies. Christopher mailing us a tablet just in time when Jack’s computer died. And Adan kept asking me the details of the trip, but I just sort of put them off, waving my hand vaguely in the direction of a purple folder in a room no one went. Last night, on the eve of our trip, we reviewed the trip details –Adan for the first time ever, the rest of us for the first time in a long time. And there on the pages of the itenerary were no fewer than FIVE destinations in the state of Colorado, Adan’s home state.
Adan’s excitement was infectious. They called family far and wide–their mom, but also cousins, aunts, uncles. “I can’t believe you’ll get to meet my family.” One of our best friends Jessi called it fate. Because two years ago I planned a trip to include the home state of a significant other I wouldn’t meet for another year and a half.
We’re on that trip now. We packed bread and lunch meat and mustard; peanut butter and honey; sodas and chips and fruit snacks. Our main way of saving money, since we’ll have to pay for gas and hotels throughout, is to eat grocery store food as often as possible instead of splurging every meal for fast food or restaurants. I ended up getting a new-to-me car just before the trip, too, because the transmission in my old vehicle was going. It just so happens to be ideal for a road trip with a spacious back seat and a good sized trunk.
Today we drove 8:30am til 11:30am and stopped for our first meal at a Sinclair’s gas station. We made sandwiches out of the ice chest in the back. We have various electronic devices to hold our singular attentions, but I point out beautiful countryside as we go. Oklahoma is so green, and with the except of Oklahoma City itself, 40 West has been a smooth ride. After lunch we packed up and drove 11:45am to 1:45pm to our first destination, Science Museum Oklahoma. Even with parts of it closed for renovations, it was huge, engaging, and completely interactive. The space movie that played in the dome theater was narrated by Patrick Stewart, and told the story of how international space station was build. Then it went on to explain the new projects planning manned missions to Mars. It was inspiring!
We explored the museum for a good two or three hours, then hit the road for the last hour to our next stop, but we were too worn out from all the excitement, so we went a bit farther to our first booked hotel room – two queen beds, outdoor swimming pool, and continental breakfast. Score. So here we are! dinner eaten – pb&h, boys have gone swimming, gals have caught up on lounging, the internet, and so on. The trip has seven stops on the way there and eight on the way back. And you can be sure I’ll be flooding the internet with pics and posts with all the important updates.